Recently, one of my students told me about his classmate who tries to be funny, but whose antics border on the offensive and tasteless. When I asked him what he planned to do to help improve the situation, he immediately responded, “Eliminate toxicity. It’s 2020!”

Clarifying this, he said he and his other friends had agreed to permanently stop speaking to, hanging out with, and interacting with the boy. It was a way of purging his negativity from their midst. “Couldn’t you just explain to the rude guy that his jokes are offensive instead of fully ostracizing him?” I asked.

He said, “The guy is ‘toxic.’ Toxic people have to go.”

I couldn’t help but wonder: when did everything become so toxic? When I was his age, we would associate it only with nuclear disasters or cleaning products my mom kept under the sink. However, now I hear it daily to describe everything from friends and relationships to workplace environments, and even about culture as a whole.

The Oxford Dictionary chose “toxic” as their word of the year as it captured the “ethos, mood, and preoccupations” of 2018. Let me clarify, however, that I am not speaking of those who abuse power or seek to manipulate others. Rather, this is about people whose behavior deviates from socially acceptable norms, such as those who might be eccentric, self-absorbed, clingy, negative, “emo,” etc.

Also averse to buzzwords and trends. I distinctly remember thinking that “this Harry Potter thing is really getting out of hand” when I was 8; and now as an adult, I am always careful to avoid fatty foods despite the supposed benefits of the Ketogenic diet.

Given my peculiarity, I wasn’t surprised by my aversion to the “Eliminate Toxicity” social media trend. Indulging in some leisurely googling, I became buried in articles warning me against 10 types of people I “should avoid at all costs,” 5 types of friends to “get rid of immediately,” and 15 co-workers who “make you miserable and drag you down.” You get the picture?

What emboldens us to write people off so permanently? I am sure that, at one time or another in my life, I have exhibited traits that qualify one as “toxic.” But my friends never “canceled” or avoided me.

I know that we all bear the responsibility to become better humans in our lifetime. But we must understand that it is in our relationships with others that we grow and are purified. No one grows more loving by themselves. No one is entirely good or completely evil. Sometimes, being human can get messy and we may have to experience moments in our lives marked by ambiguity, contradiction, and discrepancies between our values and our actions. But this doesn’t mean that we are unlovable or a failure. We are merely human.

Another reason why “toxic” seems so unhelpful is that it is a lazy and simplistic descriptor. When helping my violin students analyze the quality of their sound, I often remind them not to use words, like “good” or “bad,” which are extremely unspecific. Instead, I encourage them to use more precise words, like “smooth,” “scratchy,” “strong,” etc. Though it is easier to blame a problem on overall “toxicity” rather than identifying specifics, this may lead us to believe that there is nothing we can do to help that person or improve the situation.

There will always be those who stress, hurt, and/or drain us, and limiting interactions with them is often healthy and appropriate. But before we “cancel” a friend or dismiss one whom we find unacceptable, let us remember the words of Jesus, when he visited Zacchaeus, the tax collector. Though the crowd grumbled about his staying with a sinner, Jesus told Zacchaeus, “Today I must stay at your house… for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save what was lost.” (see Lk 19:5, 10)

Nora Henschen and Jenni Bulan

(Living City, USA)