When someone’s behavior seems irritating, it can be helpful to focus our attention on what might lie behind that behavior, try to see it as a window of opportunity through which we can understand and love that person better.
As a newly ordained priest, I remember how I would observe the different characters that are often found not just in many people, but also in a lot of neighborhoods and parishes. In my encounters with them, I began to realize that a person’s habitual way of interacting with others is very possibly a matter of conditioning due to their family environment, neighborhood, or even larger culture.
In one place, people would typically and enthusiastically say, “It’s so nice to see you!” In another, when asked, “How are you?” the typical answer might be “OK pa naman sa awa ng Diyos” (I’m OK, thanks to God) or just simply “OK lang” (I’m OK/I’m good). An upset, seemingly pessimistic, and sarcastic attitude toward life might not truly be evidence of any resentful view of life at all. Instead, it might be simply a reflection of a way of speaking that the person learned from their environment.
In some families or social groups, insults may even be thrown around as an everyday way of starting up a conversation. Although I find that really disturbing, and I doubt that it is all that healthy or helpful, what use is there in allowing myself to be annoyed by it, especially if I might be here at the present moment to propose a different way of looking at things and a more positive way of speaking?
Furthermore, negativity in the way of speaking could also be due to certain emotions or feelings that a person has not learned to express comfortably in any other way. Someone may feel unappreciated in the family or the workplace, or misunderstood, or helpless in the face of frightening trends in society or their own environment. These are very difficult feelings to express, especially without a trusted friend to evaluate one’s idea or opinion.
In such cases, those feelings are very likely to find expression in the form of critical statements about others, especially those in authority or anyone who is different from us. Again, understanding the person’s reasons for speaking this way may help me to avoid being judgmental.
It is very admirable that you ask, “Do I have to say something, or just tolerate his behavior?” Well, speaking up is probably necessary, but doing it effectively will require great love and understanding. Immediately passing judgment on the person for being negative will not do any good. If this happens, there is a possibility that we might just become one more person that he or she considers an insensitive enemy. We may also be seen as an irritating, excessively optimistic person who insists on looking only on the bright side and consequently despise people who see the ugliness present in the world.
A person who wants to see the world through the eyes of Jesus Christ so as to be his disciple is not someone who overlooks the ugliness in the world, or who pretends that there is goodness where there is really evil. On the contrary, the disciple of Jesus sees the evil that is around us, but they believe that it can be overcome with love rather than retaliation.
Instead of simply telling your co-worker that he should change his attitude, it might be better to acknowledge what you think might be true according to how he sees things. It can be also helpful to propose a more positive solution such as, “I think it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to overcome what you’re feeling.”
When you have the impression that the negativity and unrecognized feelings are being suppressed deep down, the needed approach might be even more simple and unpretentious. Our friend (because that is certainly what we would like our co-worker to be!) will likely appreciate a sincere attempt to recognize the true feelings behind the negativity and reflect his or her own unexpressed thoughts such as “That must be very frustrating!” or “Why don’t we pray about that right now?”
Despite my encouraging you to react in such a way to someone’s negativity, I think I should be transparent in saying that I am not sure I have ever been very good at doing what I am suggesting you do here. In all truth, it is your question that has led me to think it out in this way. Thank you! Let’s pray that in one way or the other, we both will react this way in the future to the situation that you have described.
Msgr. Michael Magee and Joseph Siason
(Living City, USA)
