When I found out I had contracted COVID-19, I was in complete shock and was in massive denial. I always thought that the transmissibility of the virus within the ward from an infected patient to a healthcare worker was slim to none because we had invested so heavily in PPEs (Personal Protective Equipment). We also continuously modified the protocols to be in line with government health guidelines. Even my senior nurses had repeatedly underlined that acquiring the virus was almost impossible as the hospital policy on infection control was so stringent. Moreover, I had always been vigilant and cautious with the proper way of donning and doffing PPEs. This had become the new norm in the workplace since the pandemic began. But unfortunately, after five months of direct constant exposure to COVID positive patients, I got infected. The hospital told me to isolate myself in a hotel for 14 days until the symptoms ceased.

During the first week in the hotel, I was restless. In my mind, the symptoms seemed like a catastrophe. The virus could probably warrant me a death sentence, I said to myself, and I would only have weeks to live. I was constantly searching for an acceptable logic to justify the reason for acquiring the virus. And it was eating me inside out. There was a point I doubted my clinical skill set, my intellectual capability, and critical thinking as a healthcare professional. I did a reflective analysis of my actions at one stage and started to blame myself for my ineptitude, and unpreparedness to deal with it. My thought process was more disturbing than the real respiratory symptoms of the disease, and it was causing unexpected psychosomatic manifestations. It scared me deep down. 

Then, when I thought my tormented mind had had enough, I started to look up and ask God why he had allowed this to happen to, of all people, me? Why?

It was a strong moment when one questions God’s logic of why things happen contrary to what one has asked for. And sometimes, when one asks Him something like a favor, God responds in total silence and it’s deafening. Then spiritual doubts start to consume one’s faith. 

I started to reflect. Look at me. I have never missed a day of prayer asking for His protection and guidance. My family and many of my friends are also praying constantly for my safety. I consider myself a diligent worker. I am compassionate toward my patients and give them what is due. I always go the extra mile in loving them because I see them as another Jesus who is suffering. Every time I would enter a COVID positive room, I think of the patient as Jesus, suffering from cough and shortness of breath, whom I have to provide with optimum care.

Then I remembered one of the Pope’s homilies: “God speaks to us in times of suffering.” It was a message telling us to be an expression of His love to our neighbor in this time of pandemic. This means loving every person just as Jesus has loved us, up to point of giving His life for us on the cross.

Slowly, I began to have happier thoughts. I remembered many experiences at work which brought me peace because Jesus had been with me. One time, I had to do post-mortem care for my deceased COVID patient and one of the staff told me to do it quickly to minimize contamination. I thought to myself, but this patient is somebody else’s mother, or a sister, or a wife. What if that patient was my friend or family? Regardless of the COVID status, the patient must be thoroughly cleaned and properly wrapped in a body bag. When I finished my shift that night, I felt an inexplicable sense of satisfaction. Though I was exhausted, I felt I had done the right thing and I was able to sleep peacefully.

Sometimes, I overstayed in a COVID patient’s room to chitchat. I should have limited my exposure to 10 minutes in the room but I often stayed for 20 minutes or more. You see, most of the COVID patients “go mental” at some stage. They enter a state of depression because of prolonged isolation when no one is there to talk to them.

I remember feeling worn out at the end of shifts and how I got leg cramps and skin tears on my face and behind my ears from the masks I wore for the whole 8-hour shifts. Yet I saw my tiredness as something to offer to God for the patients who were suffering most. I remembered how this gave me consolation and joy.

But then, the negative thoughts came again, amid all the good things, even the good intentions for others: Why was I infected with this deadly virus? What did I do to deserve this?

Despite all of these conflicting thoughts inside my head, I began to realize some things about life. It’s true: my work reality and this virus are a great catalyst for stress (if I let them define my perception). However, these realities had to be faced. If a problem exists, it requires an objective solution and I will never find the solution unless I acknowledge the very existence of the problem. So then, I’ve got the virus, that’s a fact and I must find a solution to overcome it. I have to establish a clear and positive mindset. No presumptions, no self-indulgent attitude, and no regression. The solution is not written in the past, so backtracking and drawing a logical inference is pointless. I must move forward with decisiveness and with pre-set awareness and optimism. This tiny bug will never halt my already set goals in life. These goals are now going to be my reality.

This thought process constantly influenced my subconscious and helped me overcome the progression of the symptoms. It was like therapy overcoming my negative thoughts. It eliminated my anxiety and helped me cope with the nasty symptoms.

What about God? Why did He allow this to happen to me? Where was He?

I realized again many things. God is love and full of mercy, and that’s a fact. God allows things to happen because He has a greater plan for us that our finite minds can’t completely comprehend. The logic of God is inconceivable. It can never be compared to a mere human conception because simply, he is God. His reason is absolute love. And we never understand this because we are limited by human reasoning. Trying to understand the reality of Jesus being crucified and dying on the cross, normally, one will say, if God is the Father and Jesus is His Son, how could he be so heartless to allow His only son to suffer and die on the cross. If God is Love, why would he allow this to happen? A Father letting His son die doesn’t fit human logic. You see, it’s unthinkable and unacceptable. But Jesus didn’t die on the cross for nothing; it’s His death that brought about our salvation. It’s that divine plan of God – His will – for us to be reunited in his kingdom. God offers His Son to die because He loves us, disdainful sinners, and He wants us to be reconciled to Him and to one another.

And with Him on the cross, there was my answer to this question with no answer.

Now, did God permit me to get the virus, even if in my prayers, I had asked not to be infected with it?

Yes, because His logic is far superior to human reasoning. It is because He loves me and wants me to be faithful. I may not see the whole picture now, and maybe, in the future, he will give me other trials; but He will never allow a trial that I cannot overcome.

Jolly Tayaban

The author of this article has since been tested negative for COVID-19 after his quarantine period.