The year 2021 has been full of God’s surprises for me. The news of the sudden hospitalization of my mother in March and her passing to the next life in June were two moments of special encounter with God. Nonetheless, this unexpected turn of events was a great trial for me.

Looking back, I recall the intimate moments I had with my mother when I paid her a visit in March 2021. In our hometown in Batangas, I stayed with her and assisted her with her needs. This period allowed me to share not only in my mom’s suffering, but also in the painful situations that my family was undergoing. I stayed at home for almost 2 months, taking advantage of every opportunity to love my family concretely. 

I returned to Davao when my mother’s condition became stable, grateful to God for giving me the chance to stay at home with my mom and the whole family. However, after a month and a half, my mom passed away.

Though I wanted very much to come home for the wake of my mother and be near my family in this moment of grief, this was impossible because of travel restrictions due to the surge in COVID (Delta variant) cases in the country. Humanly speaking, I was tempted to question why this had to happen at that time! I wanted to reason out but was also afraid of not finding answers to my questions. There was an inner struggle inside me. I wanted to continue loving but it wasn’t easy. It was very hard for me to recognize this painful event as part of God’s love. Yet in the darkness that seemed to envelop me, God was there, giving me light and strength. I believe it was His grace and the concrete love of the people around me that enabled me to say my “yes” and offer my mom back to God. And with a new peace in my heart, I said: “Into your hands…” (Cf. Psalm 31:6; Luke 23:46)

I was still grieving the loss of my mother when another “surprise” arrived! After a medical check-up, I was diagnosed with carcinoma, a type of cancer. According to the doctor, I had to undergo an immediate surgery. Gathering my strength, I silently uttered, “If this is your will, let it be done…” I realized that my recent experience with my mother prepared me for this new situation that I personally had to face. I had mixed emotions. That evening, I found it hard to sleep. Many thoughts crossed my mind: What will happen? How can I tell this to my companions in the focolare and to my family without making them worry? How will my life be? That night, I cried my heart out. But amid tears, a profound conversation with God was born. It was a special moment where I understood that the only thing I could do was to abandon myself totally to God and discover His immense love in everything, even in this suffering. I felt Him speaking to me in this Scripture passage: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, [then] I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.” (Rev 3:20) In deep silence, I opened my heart to him, asking Him for the grace to be faithful till the end. As if by miracle, I was overcome by a profound peace and fell asleep.

The next day, I spoke about my health condition to my companions in the focolare and the need to undergo surgery at the soonest possible time. We discussed several options, consulting experts, as well as how and when to do the surgery. During this conversation, I came to see, in a special way, the love of each of my companions. I felt that they were with me in saying “yes” to God. And this has given me strength to face with serenity the “unknown,” certain that I am in the loving hands of God. After several consultations with some doctors, we decided that I should undergo surgery.

Coming back home from the hospital, I felt embraced by the warmth of a family. Though I am a person of few words, my companions in the focolare made sure I was provided with all the things I needed. Each one was there, living for me, loving me unconditionally!

After a month, when I was scheduled to start the radiotherapy, another “surprise” came: I had to undergo another procedure. This time, I couldn’t hold back the tears… I felt that it was too much! Though I had no idea what postponing my radiotherapy might mean, again I entrusted myself to God and agreed to undergo another surgery.

The procedure went well, and finally, my radiotherapy started. Uncertain of what the future has in store for me, I continued to hold on to God’s grace in the present moment, doing whatever He was asking me to do. I learned how to be more anchored in what is most important – His will – and to overcome the moments of impatience that are not lacking whenever I went to the hospital. I learned to make each moment a chance to show my love for God and for all those I came in contact with: the guards, nurses, doctors, radiologists, and other patients. I understood that they are all companions in my journey. One thing became clear to me in this period: being ill can also be a gift, not a reason for sadness and self-pity.

I can sincerely say that it was God’s grace that sustained me. Last December 7, 2021, I finished my radiotherapy sessions. I took this as a gift coming directly from the hands of God. On that date, which was also the day of Chiara Lubich’s consecration to God, my experience of illness has assumed new meaning in my spiritual journey. As I participated in a Focolare online retreat held in Castelgandolfo, Italy, I reconsecrated my whole life to God, not alone, but together with all the focolarinas in attendance from all over the world.

Jasmin Atienza