My name is Fernan. I am married to Christine, and we have a son, Christoffer Jim (CJ), who is 12 years old. We live in Iloilo City, in the central part of the Philippines.

Late last year, I started experiencing pain in my lower back. I did not give it much attention, thinking that maybe it was just due to wrong posture. However, the pain kept getting worse, especially in the mornings. I began to feel weak and lost my appetite due to the intense pain which began radiating down to my knee. I could no longer sit down or stand up for long, and it got to the point that I had to crawl to go to the bathroom. This ordeal resulted in many sleepless nights, and I was practically bound to my bed for three months like someone paralyzed. My family was badly affected by this.

Due to the spike in the number of COVID cases, the lockdown was extended, and my agony was prolonged. The suffering seemed too much to bear. Feeling myself at the end of my rope, I started to ask why all this was happening to me. My faith started to waver. More than the physical suffering, I was experiencing emotional distress.

The pandemic had also severely affected my real estate business, to the point that we had to close it down. It had been our only source of income. I was quite worried about how to settle all the monthly bills and pay creditors who kept asking for their investments. It seemed like everything was crumbling! Meanwhile, my health was deteriorating so fast that I lost a lot of weight.

After the lockdown, my wife and I immediately went to the doctor, and I had my MRI[1] procedure done. The result of the MRI was not good. I needed to undergo immediate spine surgery to correct and decompress the affected lumbar (lower back) area. There was also a suspected mass formation that affected the bone and required a biopsy immediately.

Last June 16, supported by the strong faith of friends and family around me, I underwent a five-hour spinal column surgery. Before my operation, I felt that God was really assuring me of His love for me. I was at peace. I joined the consenserint[2] prayed by members of the Focolare in different parts of the Philippines, specifically for me.

I am immensely grateful to the people who offered their support and love, and even generous financial support and, most especially, in storming heaven with prayers for my successful operation. It was so overwhelming to learn about and realize that there were so many people – some whom I know and others still unknown to me – who had reached out to me and my family. I may not be able to thank each and every person, but I ask God to grant them the hundredfold in blessings for their generosity and solidarity.

I was able to walk again shortly after my spine surgery, and quite happy to be able to move around again after being bedridden for more than three months. But this apparent recovery did not last long. Two months later, I was back again in the hospital. Aside from the intense pain that had come back and would not go away with conventional pain relievers, I had also developed a hoarse voice, and at one point, began to cough out blood.  Hospital tests revealed the presence of a mass in my lungs. My left lung had already collapsed. Initial findings were suggestive of lung cancer with metastasis.

The night I overheard my wife talking with the doctor about my diagnosis seemed like the darkest night of my life. I was in a state of shock. I couldn’t sleep. I kept repeating our son’s name, with tears flowing continually down my cheeks.

I was then able to talk to the doctor about my illness. She told me that all symptoms pointed to lung cancer at an advanced stage, and that she would no longer recommend chemotherapy. A biopsy of the mass located would have confirmed this diagnosis; however, with my health situation, the procedure for obtaining a sample from my lung was too risky and potentially life-threatening, quite possibly doing more harm than good. The doctors themselves decided not to go ahead with the procedure.

During this dark period of my life, I felt my family, friends, and the big family of the Focolare close to me. Messages and calls were constant. In one phone conversation, a focolarino told me that with the situation I was in now, I had become like Jesus, suffering on the cross. It was the first time I realized this, and I understood how I was privileged to have a part in Jesus’ suffering. I then resolved to offer everything I was going through for my family, for the people I knew, for the Focolare, and especially for the preparations for the Movement’s General Assembly, for the Church, etc.

As there was nothing more to be done at the hospital that time, we went back home. Today, I continue this adventure here at home, once again bedridden and requiring assistance for every little thing. My family patiently attends to my needs. The daily challenges are multiple, especially when I feel the pain very strongly. Sometimes, I also worry about my family and what will happen to them in the future. But these difficult moments have also been interspersed with moments of peace, where I feel the immense love of God for me and my family. He has taken care of our material needs too. Even though it has been months now since we had lost our only source of income, we have always had food on the table. The Gospel passage that describes how God takes care of the birds of the air and the lilies of the field speaks to me so strongly about God’s providential care for me and my family, reassuring me and taking away my worries. I realize that no matter how many plans I had made for myself and my family’s future, God’s plans for me and my family are infinitely greater and more beautiful.

Fernan Pineda

[1] Magnetic resonance imaging: a medical imaging technique used in radiology to form pictures of the anatomy and the physiological processes of the body.

[2] A prayer to the Eternal Father by two or more persons, united in the name of Jesus, to ask a particular favor, based on Matthew 18:19-20.