First of all, we wish to thank you for taking time to ask us, your elders, about your situation. As parents too, we want the best for our children, above all, a stable affective relationship that gives more guarantee for the future.
Researchers asked about people’s attitudes toward marriage. They found out all sorts of things: among them, that young people don’t think their relationships are like their parents’, and that everyone seems to be used to the term “separation.” In a Time Magazine article by Jessica Bennet, she describes how millennials view monogamy and lifetime partnership.
She writes: “Monogamy has long been assumed to be the default if you’re in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, few have questioned that — until recently. More Millennials are exploring, or at least interested in exploring, the idea of ethical non-monogamy…. First comes love, then marriage, and the baby in the baby carriage, the old song went. But not for Millennials; 52 percent say being a good parent is ‘one of the most important things’ in life while a mere 30 percent say the same about having a successful marriage, according to a recent Pew Research Center study.
Millennials are open to short-term marriages, or “beta marriages,” after which their union could be formalized or dissolved without a lot of drama or expense. Millennial men and women believe a marriage can be successful even if it doesn’t last forever.” (Jessica Bennet: The Beta Marriage: How Millennials Approach “I Do,” Time 07/25/14)
On the spiritual side: for a mixed marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic to work well it is important that the couple embraces what is common between their respective faith traditions and “to learn from each other the way which each lives out their fidelity to Christ,” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1634). This can be very difficult and trying, but can be overcome by mutual respect.
A marriage to a non-baptized person can be especially difficult because of the greater chasm in religious beliefs. In either case, the disparities between faiths can lead to tension, and gradually to religious indifference.
Attempting to convert one’s spouse can be interpreted as hostile and could lead to discord in the marriage. Humility, as well as open and honest communication about expectations and the practical side of a mixed-marriage, is important to make it succeed.
The real ministers of Marriage for Catholics are not the priest but the spouses themselves. The priest only solemnizes the agreement of the spouses to love one another till the point of death for the sake of their offspring. So, what is important is not only the ceremony but also the inherent agreement or pact that consciously or unconsciously enters into life together.
Living-in with a partner, you could discern together and see if your cohabitation is “founded on insecurity” so you can “part with one another easily”, as soon as you get the impression that your passion has diminished in a relationship or it is your decision to grow together as partners in love forever in order to be open to life for the offspring(s) and help them develop to maturity till the end.
If this is the case, your life together has elements which can allow for it to be solemnized as Christian marriage. On the other hand, this doesn’t mean that marriage is spared from failures; but when difficulties are faced together, the initial phase of falling in love can be transformed into real love.
Of course, this does not happen without effort. Christian Marriage also offers great help linked to the sacrament, if it is lived with awareness by the couple. However, we realize that the choice of cohabitation, compared to engagements that drag on for years without mutual commitments, is still an assumption of responsibility since you share in the other person’s life, with all its nuances, joyful and sad as they may be.
To become a couple, however, they need a project and planning for a common future which will make them experience true intimacy to which their heart aspires. In your case, where one of you is a “nonbeliever,” we must first determine if there’s a project that meets both of your needs.
When this “planning” begins, we hope that you will both want to manifest to everyone your love and to do this publicly through marriage. Thus in your hearts will arise a new commitment: we want our love for one another to be a throbbing cell that gives life to society.
True love involves some risk, some sort of leap into the unknown, but it is that “pledge of forever” which more closely resembles the kind of love that Jesus has shown us.
